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Pokemon Mystery Dungeon Abridged: Fire Red Version (script)
The following is unedited from the original document except for formatting. Script Squirtle: *Narrating* Gather round my children. Let me tell you the time I got hit by a train. *BREOW* So that was that. And well, there I was. But then... I met him. Charmander: *Singing* Choo-choo. Choo-choo your food. Don't get cavities. That isn't guud. *Pause, point* Where did you come from?! Squirtle: *Narrating* I was gay for five seconds. And then it turned out I was a Squirtle and I forgot I was gay. *Cut to the hideout* It took me a while to adjust. *Squirtle screaming while he's drowning* Squirtle: *Narrating* But eventually I got used to it. *Squirtle blows a bubble, the bubble pops and screams* Squirtle: *Narrating* I always new I was destined for something great. This was a close fifth though. Chikorita: Good morning! Squirtle: *Narrating* And then I met her, and I was gay once again. Chikorita: I see you found the bathroom. And well, you're in it. So, how do you like the free water that we stole? Squirtle: You're taking the piss, right? Chikorita: Yep, I'm the septic lady. Charmander: I'm an action mailman. Chikorita: And together we... fight... crime? That's what came out of the hat. Charmander: Wanna be our sidekick? Squirtle: Wow! ...No! Charmander: Here, catch! Squirtle: Okay! Charmander: Now you're on the team! Squirtle: ...Damn... Charmander: Come along, Marmoset Boy! *Cut to the bridge* Chikorita and Charmander: Awaaaaay! *Pregnant pause* Squirtle: *Gasps, cut to THE WHALE* Little did I know, a crime was already committed on my first day. *Pichu cries* THE WHALE: THE WHALE decrees... SHUT THE FUCK UP. Pichu: But my brother Pikachu's been kidnapped! THE WHALE: *PFFFKT* I mean, aw that's too bad. Snubull: If only Team We're So Great That We Died didn't die! THE WHALE: Maybe I shouldn't have named them that. And told them there was pizza in the volcano. *Pichu starts whimpering* THE WHALE: Hey! What did THE WHALE decree?! Charmander: *Offscreen* Did somebody say "Super heroes"?! Snubull: I...don't think so. THE WHALE: I didn't hear it. Chikorita and Charmander: *Offscreen* Duh-da-duh-dun-da-dun-dun-da-dun-dun-da-dun-duuuuh! THE WHALE: So your brother- *The team appears* Charmander: We're Team We Forgot to Come Up With a Naaaame! And Flying Eggs. Ekans: *Cough-laughing* WAH-HAGH-HAGH-HAH! Gengar: Ha! We're Team Snake Ghost Yoga! We do parties! And we're really bored. Let us find Pikachu. Please. I lost my wife. I don't have anything else going on. Medicham: Woo-ooo-ooo-ooo-ooo! Gengar: Also Medicham thinks she's a lamp. We'll do anything. Ekans: HEEEEEENGH! Lombre: *Whispering* Is that guy alright...? THE WHALE: Look, we can't have two teams rescuing Pikachu. Chikorita: Why not? THE WHALE: You...You just can't. Nooo. Gengar: Then what do we get if we find him? THE WHALE: It's a MYSTERYYYYYY. A Pokemon Mystery...CAVE if you will! Charmander and Chikorita: Yessir! Squirtle: *Narration* It later turned out to be a broken yo-yo. I proposed to Charmander with it. He responded with a paddle ball without the string. I don't think he understood. Be strong, Marmoset Boy. Ekans: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER Gengar: Be strong, Marmoset Snake. Squirtle: And then I had to change my name to Squirtle. Kecleon 1 and 2: Welcome to our shop! Kecleon 1: We sell nothing! Kecleon 2: Go away! Squirtle: ...Damn... Chikorita: Alright, boys. I've divided the food into two groups: Not Edible, and Can't Eat. Squirtle: Will that be enough? Charmander: Action Mailman fasts for Black Friday! Gengar: Haha! Medicham: Click! Ekans: BLAUGH! Gengar: That's an awful lotta fooood! I haven't eaten since I was boooorn. Would be a real shame if someone took it. Well, bye. Squirtle: Well, good thing they didn't eat any of the- Charmander, you fucker! Charmander: Action Mailman was weak. Kangaskhan: *Calling from a distance* Hey, kids! You need some supplies for your trip? *Cut to the shop* I have... a bag of sticks! Chikorita: This looks like our old bag of sticks. Charmander: Action Mailman also needed the money. Kangaskhan: I also have some rags I found under the sink. Squirtle: Do they have any special abilities? Kangaskhan: They clean. Squirtle: *Narrating* And for once I was wrong. But now, we truly looked like crime fighters with our polka dots of bravery. Kangaskhan: I didn't tell you to wear them. Squirtle: *Narrating* So we headed to the Cave of I Think This is the Right Cave This Time. Squirtle: I think this is the right cave this time. Squirtle: *Narrating* That's how it got its name. So we went inside and Charmander got mad at a rock. *Charmander destroys rock* Then we went further into the cave and he got mad at another rock. *Charmander destroys rock* This went on for an hour. Until, suddenly, it went on for another hour. And then we found Pichu unconscious. Chikorita: Code 7, Charmander! Charmander: Right, Urine Queen! *Opens box, takes out berry* Wake up, Pichu! This'll help you sleep! Pichu: *Eats berry, makes uncomfortable noises* Squirtle: *Narrating* And then we revived him so he could guide us out. One year later we got out of the cave. *Cut to them leaving the cave* Charmander: Volcano! Squirtle: That was awfully random, Charmander~. Charmander: It was, Squirtle~. I thought it would be funny~. Squirtle: No~. Pichu: Guys! Shut up and look at this! *Skarmory grabs him* AAAAAAGH! Charmander: Yeah, I'm looking. Chikorita: *Video flipped* Quick! After them! Wait, they went the other way. After them! *Cut to Skarmory pacing* Skarmory: I hate walking! I hate birds! I hate metal! Pikachu: *Dramatic and exhausted* It just won't shut up...It just won't... Pichu: It's okay, brother! We got a team of superheroes coming to save us! Pikachu: *Excited* Team We're So Dead That We're Great? Pichu: AND Snake Ghost Yoga! *Cut to Snake Ghost Yoga lying on the ground* Charmander: Agh! More fucking rocks! *Cut to them lying against the rocks* Squirtle: What happened to you guys? Ekans: *Wheeze, wheeze. Wheeze wheeze wheeze* Driving. Gengar: It would be unfortunate if I died. Again. Squirtle: Hmm... you're absolutely right. *Opens box* Here guys. Medicham: Click click bzzzt? *The team split the berry* Chikorita: That's right, Medicham. Take a bite of this. *Medicham eats the berry, freeze on eyes closed, then Ekans, then Gengar. Squirtle smiles* Squirtle: *Low* Sleep forever, you fat bastard. *Cut to Skarmory* Skarmory: I hate circles but I'm doing it ironically in protest! Chikorita: Pichu! Pichu: What?! Chikorita: What were you gonna show us?! Skarmory: I wanna see it! Charmander: I ate my piece of the fruit. Let's fight. *Bug flies into Squirtle's mouth* Skarmory: I love fruit but I hate grass! GAH! *Skarmory immediately attacks* Charmander: That's right! Chikorita, Squirtle, Charmander: We're team-! AGH! AGH! GOD! OW! AAAAAGH! Pichu: What do you think, big brother? Pikachu: *Slightly deadpan, still smiling* I'm gonna die. *The team regroup* Squirtle: *In pain* Agh! Okay! Listen, guys! Do any of you actually know moves? Charmander: Our bleeding in place strategy isn't working? Chikorita: Quick! Check the box for any items! *Squirtle opens the box, takes out sticks* Charmander: Perfect! Let's throw the box at her! Enh! *Throws the box* Skarmory: AGH! My only reg- blagh. Pikachu: *Eye thing* WHOA, that's dark! Squirtle: *Celebrating* Yes! That was the best nothing I've ever done! Chikorita: That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Charmander: That was the hardest rock I've ever had to chew. Chikorita: Thank you Dr Seuss Charmander. Charmander: I have warts on my dick. Squirtle: *Narrating* I pretended not to hear that. But I did. *Whispering* I did... So we rescued the brothers the next day when we remembered them. Pikachu: I can't walk! Pichu: I can't talk! Shit... Squirtle: *Narrating* And after we fixed that problem, we made our way back to THE WHALE to get our reward. And as he chased us away with a shotgun, I had an epiphany. Whales can grow feet, and I hate my life. With that, my new friends and I set off to find a new job. Which Charmander thought was at the bottom of the cliff. *Fade to Henry and Henry's Dad* Henry's Dad: Tomorrow night I'll tell you about when I was in the Jetters. Henry: Dad, when you said you got hit by a train, I was worried. Dad: Go to bed, Henry. Henry: It's 8 in the morning, Dad. Dad: Go to school, Henry. Henry: It's Summer Break, Dad. Dad: Go to the Pokemon world, Henry. Henry: That's physically impossible, Dad. Dad: ...This is why your mom left. Henry: She just left the room, Dad. Dad: I know, and it HURTS... Davis: WHOA, CATS. WILL HENRY'S DAD EVER STOP FEELING THE PAIN TRAIN? OR WILL HE HAVE TO FOREVER CHOO-CHOO HIS FOOD? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT- THIS- ISN'T DIGIMON IS IT? ...THAT ISN'T GUUD. *Credits, Charmander singing* I'm in the hospital Dununununuh I am all alone Dununununuh Where'd everybody go Dununununuh I forgot my name Dununununuh My nurse is ugly Dununununuh I like popcorn Dununununuh And I'm still alone Dununununuh I can't feel my arms Dununununuh I should stop swinging 'em Dununununuh Where are the other two Dununununuh I'm trying to find rhyming words Dununununuh I just gave up Dununununuh Dununununuh Words Dununununuh Category:Episode Scripts